today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
