the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
