You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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