I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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