Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
