There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
