i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
