i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
