no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
