3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
