i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize