Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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