i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
