I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
