You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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