Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
