I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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