your parents love me but you hate me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
