I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
