I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
