Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
