it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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