Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
