The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
