Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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