He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
