The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
