you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize