im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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