you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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