All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
