I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
