i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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