this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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