Will you blow on my dice?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Randomize
