I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
