lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
