Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
