VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
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I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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