YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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