Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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