Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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