I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
