Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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