if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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