I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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