So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
