Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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