remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
