We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm really busy with my period
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