No I am not eating basil off your cock
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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