i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
