Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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