Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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