So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
