There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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