my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
