I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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