There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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