now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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