I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
