did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
